It’s time…

check it out.

I think something in me got installed the wrong way; making my coding run backwards.

I get along with people, make friends easily, get invited to all the parties; I want to be alone.

I play around, laugh at the jokes, understand the references so the conversations we are having feel important; I hate ‘Everyone’.

Sometimes I forget, you know?Forget that I’m just trying to make it out not feeling like I’m dying. Sometimes I forget that for most of my life I was terrified that I was doing exactly that. Sometimes people are so great, so fucking amazing that I forget that I’m here trying to save my self. Then along comes some offhanded comment, the kind they make as a joke, but they are cruel enough. No, not cruel towards me but cruel towards someone, and then I choke. Choke on their words, choke on their kindness, choke on the system failure in my coding. I can’t take it. Not even just a little. Not even in jest. I don’t find it funny. All it does is remind me of the world we live in, of all the things happening Right Now that makes this place unbearable for Someone.

So don’t make me listen, don’t make light when it’s too heavy, don’t be cruel.

Whatever; I know you will.

Just don’t expect me to laugh.

In the end you don’t love me and I don’t love you, let’s just end it.

Whatcha say?

Jay Way crosS

Do you ever get the urge to just tear yourself up and leave? I mean, really leave.

I get these urges that hurt like a heartache, makes me restless, keeps me up plotting trough the night. I never sleep anyway… or I do. Sleep, I mean.  I’ve never been really good at it, though. What I’m trying to say is that I want to pack up my things and leave everything without explaining “why”,  just to prove that I can. And I can, you know. If I want. What’s stopping me?

You; what’s stopping you? I’m interested.

This used to be much longer, but I had to delete most of it.

                                                                                             I’m sorry.

                                                                                            I love you.

                                                                                Whatever.     

Whatever, forever and ever.

Jay Way crosS

Aaaawww! Kit…

Um…why are you staring at me like that, Fuckface?

Hey! First fucking flowers I’ve seen all year!!

Spring? Have you finally come?!

Friggin A!

Oh cool! Magpies nest!

Magpies are awesome! They are hyper smart, can use tools to solve problems, have shown the ability to recognise their own reflections and really like shiny things. According to old folklore; having a magpies nest in the yard will bring good luck to your home.

Oh awesome! Altoids!

We don’t get them in Norway so this is like freaking Christmas or something!

An interesting fact about Altoids: they contain gum arabic, commonly used when making ink. So now you know should you ever want to make your own ink. using your Altoids.

What?

I have no idea how to write this.

Sunday morning had no idea either.

No idea when the past came bleeding back into our life. Suddenly out of nowhere there was this piece of ‘old times’ that came along, passed us by, then left the building, and just as suddenly everyone was staring at me. Like they were expecting me to do something.

I had no idea what to do so I bit my lip. Hard.

Not in the way that somehow indicates a nervous fidgeting, but in the way that intends to draw blood. I’m not nervous, I’m angry.

Everyone goes silent. Silent and staring. Staring at me with their worried eyes. So I, of coures, avert my eyes and cross my arms kicking the table. They want this to go away, I get it. I want this to go away for them. Stop worrying, we were doing fine. You don’t have to hold me or call the cops or ask God for retribution. You don’t even have to hold my hand. Just let it go, pretend it’s gone. See, there it went, walked right out the door. I say something about something and everyone’s eyes are looking watery except my sisters, they look watery and hard. I look like nothing at all in my black skeleton hoodie picking up my black coffee. Holding the cup against my sore lips, I kiss it.

God, we were just having coffee. It’s fucking Sunday, it’s what we do!

Anger is such a strange thing. With me it’s this seeping illness that is deep in me, in my bones. I tend not to see it. It’s barely an ache and that’s how it tricks you, messes with your head and makes you complacent. I’m scared of it sometimes. I don’t care most of the time. I pretend I can’t see it all of the time. Everyone’s pretending because no one knows what to do. No one, so it’s all on me.

I wish I didn’t have a reason to be angry.

Everyone seem so sad now, suddenly, and I feel sorry for them. Sorry for them feeling sorry for me. Sorry that they’re sorry. Sorry I’m so pissed off at everything that I have to stay away. I stay away even though I’m Right Here.

Look at me, look at me, look at me. LOOK AT ME, DAMNT IT!

I start the conversation again, everyone seem grateful. We drink our coffee, we get up and we leave. The anger has left, I’m fine. We are all fine.

My sister intertwines her fingers with mine. I pick up our laced hands and kiss the back of hers. Later I brush the hair from my mothers forehead and kiss her there. My father walks up to me and hugs me hard, crushing the air from my lungs. He’s a big man, tall and sturdy, big heart, big hands. His stubbled cheek scratches me slightly and I kiss his shoulder because i’m pressed so hard against it. I let it go. I swear, I try to let it go.

It’s just that it wont let me go, I’m the one stuck with it and I don’t know what to do either. What do I do? How do I get my self away from here?

Certain things in life come without road-maps, directions, instructions and you get lost in them. It’s like a parallel life that keeps drawing you back in as you try to pull away. It gives a little, then it comes roaring back for you when your not looking. It’s like I’m dreaming, but I know this is real. I can tell what’s a part of my life and what is not. I know the name of the damages, I know where it lives, have the address right here.

Wait…. isn’t this my address?

Damn It!

Yeah, I know I’ve said that already, but it’s softer this time.

I know I’m hardening, less understanding, no fun right now. I know I’m being reckless in traffic, my skin feels hypersensitive and I can’t sleep no mater how far I run to exhaust my self. Adrenaline keeps me awake. Adrenaline I can’t expel because anger is keeping it aflood.

I bite the knuckles of my fingers. Hard.

I can’t let go.

Kiss me, I want to wake up.

Kiss me, I don’t know how to do it myself.

Please come get me, come get me, comegetme,

Jay Way crosS

Well, how am I supposed to feel?